I Am A Rock

Yet more sonnets...

Love Sonnet VII
She is my sun, alas, she is my moon
Angel! She brings such strength in night and day
She lives in light! Her love, it makes me swoon
She glows at dusk and makes even stars sway
That nymph makes my soul fly on wings of glee
like this I glide, for her I fly through clouds
she is followed by peace and harmony
O love! Gloom flies from you in wispy shrouds
To you, even the great angels do pale
My sweet, could I give you the world I would
Beauty, to you my love shall never fail
For you my wishes are nothing but good
A love like mine is not found on this earth
There is no stone that equals yours great worth

Love Sonnet VIII
Glory, what color are your locks of hair?
If they be red or black or brown or blond
It matters not, for to me thou art fair
It is not for your look that I am fond
I do not care the color of your eyes
I could care less for browns or blues, or greens
You are a spirit under human guise
In my dreams my cheek on your shoulder leans
It is not for beauty that I love you
Your looks can change over the course of time
I wish that you and I were seen as two
My love, you're my symbol of grace sublime
You are the object of my dreams and love
My love is greater than the sky above

These ones actually work with iambic pentameter. An interesting change in style; I changed mid-way through no. 7 into the second person instead of the third person and I don't even know why. I'm In a strangely unhappy mood, and I don't know why. I've been mildly grumpy and whiney all day. For those who aren't in the mood to see me rant, please leave now.

I'm thoroughly disgusted with my social life. I seem unable to organize a meeting with my friends, and I fear that I canbe annoying to most, if not all of them. Everytime people like Jacob mention things like "you have no life" and "you'll never get a girlfriend" I laugh, but at the same time I believe it. It's not so much that I think I'll never get a girlfriend, it's just that I'm afraid I'll go through unhappy experiences similiar to those of some people I know, and be thoroughly dissatisfied with my teenage life. I mean, I love my friends, and when we do do things it's so much fun, but part of me is always unhappy I guess. It's just that when I'm around people I usually suppress it. I'm afraid of what'll happen when all of my suppressed emotion pours out. Poetry seems to keep it in check, but at the same time it just stresses it more. Listening to songs like "On My Own" certainly don't help my self esteem. It's weird, I was reading a certain part of that song and replaced each male pronoun with a female pronoun, and I felt like I was about to cry. I never cry.

On my own
Pretending (s)he's beside me
All alone I walk with (her) til morning
In the darkness I feel (her) arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And (s)he has found me.

I've just felt particularily stressed even though little has changed. Have you ever been in one of those moods when you've wished you were the recipient of the song "Lean On Me?" I've tried to write poems about my depression, but nothing seems to do it justice. I don't feel like ever doing anything. I spend all day in front of the computer. I resent going to school everyday and feel like I could cry myself to sleep everynight if I knew how to cry. I know things will be better, but I don't want to wait. I'm unhappy. Very, very, very, unhappy. I know my friends think I'm cool, but part of me still feels unloved. Maybe it's because of the revelation that my dad pretty much ignored me as long as I could remember, so now that my mom's gone he's trying to 'be a good parent' and doing a crappy job. Maybe it's how I'm not sure of what my peers expect of me, and all I want is to make my friends happy. Maybe it's because of the fact that since he had such a small role in my life and my mom played such a large one, and since she's gone there's a gaping hole of companionship in my life. Who knows? Maybe I'm just wallowing in self-pity. But once one starts wallowing, it is hard to escape. I hide behind my philosophical and erudite pass-times. I spend so much time pondering right and wrong, you'd think I was a judge, with myself standing on trial for nigh-infinite charges. I'm so much more critical of things than anyone else. If something seems wrong to me I bring it up, no matter how stupid it is. I hate how misunderstood I feel. My dad thinks he can make generalizations about me, I never share my emotional well being with anyone, I hate my life. Every time someone gets annoyed at me I become so self-concious and apologetic. If I'm arguing something stupid and someone points out that I should just stop, I realize that they're right but I feel so bad. I seem to automatically argue with anyone who brings up any argument because I don't think they see both sides evenly. I become absorbed in self-detestation, thinking "stupid! don't you ever know when to stop?" it hurts the most that they're right. "I Am A Rock" is the perfect song for me.

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship
friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don't talk of love,
Well,
I've heard the word before.
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room,
s afe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries.


Please, help me.