I stole this from Sarah's blog. It's true, these things really are self-esteem boosters.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:
I committed suicide:
I said I liked you:
I lived next door to you:
I started smoking:
I stole something:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:
Personality:
Eyes:
Hair:
Clothes:
Mannerisms:

WHAT ABOUT US:
Who are you?
Are we friends?
When and how did we meet?
How have I affected you?
What do you think of me?
What's the fondest memory you have of me?
How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
Do you love me?
Have I ever hurt you?
Would you hug me?
Are we close?
Emotionally, what stands out?
Do you wish I was cooler?
On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
Am I loveable?
How long have you known me?
Describe me in one word.
What was your first impression?
Do you still think that way about me now?
What do you think my weakness is?
Do you think I'll get married?
What about me makes you happy?
What about me makes you sad?
What reminds you of me?
What's something you would change about me?
How well do you know me?
Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
Do you think I would kill someone?
Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

Love Sonnet XII
Alas, when in my own world I am sad
I am tired and cold and so lonely
I weep at the loss of what I once had
I would be glad with my one and only
I would hold you til all my wounds have healed
What would I do without you? I shudder
I am alone til my feelings revealed
My mind, it is filled with clutter
My love, here I am, soaring through the sky
And still all I can think about is you
I need not ponder to figure out why
I smile, I grin, as the clouds I pass through
You are more delicate than a pure cloud
With thoughts of you, my sadness I enshroud

Passover was ok, my family is cool. Apparently my cousin won a national soccer tournament and that makes me the only male cousin not to have played soccer well in highschool. drat. It was nice to see everyone for once in awhile. Now I can no longer eat bread. Grrrr.... People just become more and more confusing. It brings a quote to mind: "ah, the tangled web we weave" as Scott would say. The number of different things I have to deal with behind the scenes is staggering. Secrets are such confusing things. It's like I don't even know myself. More sonnets have been written, but will not be posted, due to the fact they name the subject and that's a secret. Seriously, who else can rhyme the word Quetzalcoatl? ;-)

Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and
Show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on
Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?
Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it, why can't
Someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself
Once I used to believe
I was such a great romancer
Then I came home to a woman
That I could not recognize
When I pressed her for a reason
She refused to even answer
It was then I felt the stranger
Kick me right between the eyes
Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?
Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it why can't
Someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself
You may never understand
How the stranger is inspired
But he isn't always evil
And he is not always wrong
Though you drown in good intentions
You will never quench the fire
You'll give in to your desire
When the stranger comes along.

Today was awesome. Sara had a party-movie thing at her house and we watched "sky captain and the world of tomorrow" and "2001: a space travesty". Both movies were incoherent plot-wise, but the latter was at least purposely funny, if not terribly crude. We had lots of food, including candy, popcorn, chips, pizza, and brownies. Yum. Afterwards some of us played DDR. I was clearly the worst one, even worse than the people who've never played before. Sara and Jason were both very good. I will eventually come close to them, though I'll probably never catch up. After I played some DDR I went and played Super Smash Brothers Melee with Graham, Brian, Jacob, James, and Sara's little brother, John. He's cool. I humiliated Graham and Brian. I never got a chance to play James, Jacob, or John because of time. I would've murdered Jacob after the amount of taunting I did. I'm pretty sure i could beat James or John, but I would've let John win because it was his birthday and he's cool. Just goes to prove: people half your size can be cool. This week was exceptionally boring, except for sleeping over at my sister's place. We watched "Starwars IV" and some cruddy chick flick because she made me. Gah. (yes, "gah" is a word... Because I say it is!) This week would've been cooler if Scott were here, but no, he had to go on vacation. I will murder him. On a seperate note, here's sonnet number X. Notice this one deviates from the standard form by being only 8 syllables a line.

Love Sonnet X
My love for you burns like the sun
I grin when I do hear you laugh
your mood is ever bright and fun
oh, I would die on your behalf
inside my mind it is raining
but when I think of you, my dear
I can feel my sadness waning
and then my path it becomes clear
the sky is bright and is shining
my thought of you is amorous
in your name I shall be pining
to my eyes you are glamorous
I’ll be not stop’d by gun or knife
I love to see you in my life

Love Sonnet IX
You, love of my life, ha! Love of my death
I see you in my fate and in my doom
I dream of you as I yet draw my breath
I’ll think of you tile when I reach my tomb
I cry if we shall ever drift apart
Alone am I, my dreams they are forlorn
For you, arrow of loss pierce my heart
Fate laughs at me with bitterness and scorn
Sadness, me mind is drowned in thoughts of grief
Under a jar of glass my heart display’d
Swallowed am I by thoughts of disbelief
The edges of my mind so grim and frayed
Just me, if one plus one can not be two
Then it will never be just me and you

This one is alot sadder than my other ones, maybe due to my mentality shift. What I am afraid of is since my problem on Friday I'll never be the same with myself. I keep questioning things around me, even when being comforted. It's like no matter what I, or anyone else for that matter, does I can't be truely happy. Now that I've already crossed the lines, I have to ask a couple questions: (My answers for any of you guys in red)

1. How would you react if I died? I might just kill myself.
2. How much better do you think the world would be having had me be alive? You've helped me get by by being my friend, so just by helping me you've made the world a little happier.
3. Would you go to my funeral? I would go to anyone's funeral who I think would go to, or at least want to go to mine. All of you, I hope.
4. (weird one) If you would, how many people would you be willing to take a bullet for? Who? (no pressure) I can definitely say there are six or seven people I would take a bullet for. Many more I'd like to think I would, but I'm not sure. (Scott, Sarah, Sarah, Amy, Josh, Snyder [after that letter I owe it to you], and Sara) You guys make me look forward to everyday I'm alive and I can honestly say without you I wouldn't be here.

I'm sorry if my asking these scares you, but I've already had the thoughts so this should not come as too much of a surprise. I don't think I'll hurt myself, but I'm still scared of how much sadder I've become. I'm frightened that I'm becoming slightly sadder everyday. I don't want to die, but sadly I wish I were in a coma for about a month. I need a way to escape. Please, I'm afraid of my feelings. Lately they've done nothing but hurt me. I just want the hurting to go away somehow.

Wow, so much has changed in so little time. Let's start at the very beginning, with the stuff that doesn't really matter. On Wednesday at confirmation we had this anti-semitism awareness thing. It was interesting, but stupid. The person who was running it made us do this activity where we decided if we thought there was a problem with anti-semitism in our schools, if there wasn't, or if we weren't sure. She then told each group to define "problem". I took leadership of my group, as did Leigh and Josh apparently. We all answered our questions, but when I was answering for our "no-problem" definition, she kept twisting my words. Witch. Then we all got different questions to answer. My group came up with a good answer, but when it came to answer time she only had the "pro-problem" give their answer. She then asked everyone who had changed their minds to move. Obviously, people moved to the "pro-problem" side because we weren't given a chance to defend ourselves. Oh well. On Thursday evening I organized a group trip to the mall for Friday, and a meeting at Scott's for Saturday. Within the span of about an hour it was cancelled, un-cancelled, and changed. But in the end we were all going. I was really psyched, this weekend was going to be awesome. Then on Friday when I got home, my dad informed me that he found a letter from about a month ago that I had intercepted containing my progress report. Oops. He grounded me, cancelling both of my plans. He also cancelled my trip to England this summer, and restricted my computer usage. Needless to say I was pretty pissed off. Not to mention the fact that my sister was very unhappy with me, justifiably, for lying to all of them. I was in a bad mood. I mean bad. Like, really bad. I was extremely frustrated with my life in general and how I keep getting excluded from group activities. I wished I could run away from my life. This train of thought led to the consideration of suicide. I could usually easily eliminate that from my mind by thinking about my friends, but my outlook and self worth and self pity were at an all time low. The fact that I considered it scared me. It scared me so much I told my dad because I was worried about myself. He called my therapist's emergency line. After that I wrote an email and sent it out to most of my friends whose email addresses I knew addressing what was going on. Meanwhile, my sister spent roughly an hour and a half distracting me from my depressing thoughts. Eventually we decided she wasn't calling back so we called the suicide hotline. Some police came as first response and talked with me because they had no idea how stable I was and made sure nothing happened. It was cool, when one of the cops went over to talk to my dad he had his hand on the tazer in the back of his belt for protocol I guess. Eventually the ambulance came and some EMTs took me to the hospital. On the way there I chatted with them. They were really nice and chatty. They asked me if I had planned suicide to any extent. I figured it was as simple as stabbing myself in the heart. They explained to me how painful and messy that would be. This discouraged me further. I don't know how I'm supposed to say that without sounding like I want to die. It's unnecessary discouragement, but it still added to my list. They had to take my blood pressure like three times, god knows why. Once we got there I went into the triage room and then to the psycho ward. The made me give them all of my possesions, including my clothes. Hospital clothes suck. The pants almost fell down like five times. I preoccupied myself with playing chess until the psycho analist came to interview me. She asked most of the standard questions, plus a couple interesting ones. She asked me if I could have three wishes, what would they be. I answer that everyone would be happy, that everyone would come back from the dead, and that I could have superpowers. Kind of silly, but true. Then I went and watched "Friends" as she interviewed my dad who had, by this time, come to the hospital. There were only two other somewhat active people in the ward. I believe one was a masochist, but I have no idea. The other was some girl I'm assuming came off the streets of Hartford. She looked like a pothead, and was somewhat apathetic towards the staff. She kept saying that she was fine and wanted to go home. She paced alot. Eventually she asked me what my name was, and we chatted civilly and casually for a bit. It seemed like forced conversation, but she was nice. Eventually they took her out of the ward because she would be spending the night. They informed me that I would be going home that night. After awhile they gave back my clothes and stuff and I left with my dad. Once I got home I wrote a second email informing everyone of what had happened. My plans for the future are to see a new therapist and find a suitable anti-depressant. Today I basically got up and read "And Then There Were None" most of the day. We went out to Pizza for my sister's birthday and when I got back I partied vicariously via telephone. Scott and Jason did alright at states on a topic that I had an overwhelming amount fo resources for. I should have been going to states. I finally finished the book at roughly eleven and was somewhat surprised at the ending, although at one point I had the right idea. I guess that's pretty much my account of the past week. I am really sorry for everyone I may have worried and want you to know that I'm safe, just very unhappy. Since my computer use is limited I urge anyone to call me, since I can't chat online I have no escape from reality, so calling me helps. Finally, we will close with a list of my most asked questions on Friday:

1. Do you perform acts of self mutilation?
2. Do you take any drugs?
3. Do you see any professionals for help?
4. Have you planned suicide to any extent?
5. Have you ever had suicidal thoughts before?
6. Have you ever taken drugs that you have since discontinued?

I Am A Rock

Yet more sonnets...

Love Sonnet VII
She is my sun, alas, she is my moon
Angel! She brings such strength in night and day
She lives in light! Her love, it makes me swoon
She glows at dusk and makes even stars sway
That nymph makes my soul fly on wings of glee
like this I glide, for her I fly through clouds
she is followed by peace and harmony
O love! Gloom flies from you in wispy shrouds
To you, even the great angels do pale
My sweet, could I give you the world I would
Beauty, to you my love shall never fail
For you my wishes are nothing but good
A love like mine is not found on this earth
There is no stone that equals yours great worth

Love Sonnet VIII
Glory, what color are your locks of hair?
If they be red or black or brown or blond
It matters not, for to me thou art fair
It is not for your look that I am fond
I do not care the color of your eyes
I could care less for browns or blues, or greens
You are a spirit under human guise
In my dreams my cheek on your shoulder leans
It is not for beauty that I love you
Your looks can change over the course of time
I wish that you and I were seen as two
My love, you're my symbol of grace sublime
You are the object of my dreams and love
My love is greater than the sky above

These ones actually work with iambic pentameter. An interesting change in style; I changed mid-way through no. 7 into the second person instead of the third person and I don't even know why. I'm In a strangely unhappy mood, and I don't know why. I've been mildly grumpy and whiney all day. For those who aren't in the mood to see me rant, please leave now.

I'm thoroughly disgusted with my social life. I seem unable to organize a meeting with my friends, and I fear that I canbe annoying to most, if not all of them. Everytime people like Jacob mention things like "you have no life" and "you'll never get a girlfriend" I laugh, but at the same time I believe it. It's not so much that I think I'll never get a girlfriend, it's just that I'm afraid I'll go through unhappy experiences similiar to those of some people I know, and be thoroughly dissatisfied with my teenage life. I mean, I love my friends, and when we do do things it's so much fun, but part of me is always unhappy I guess. It's just that when I'm around people I usually suppress it. I'm afraid of what'll happen when all of my suppressed emotion pours out. Poetry seems to keep it in check, but at the same time it just stresses it more. Listening to songs like "On My Own" certainly don't help my self esteem. It's weird, I was reading a certain part of that song and replaced each male pronoun with a female pronoun, and I felt like I was about to cry. I never cry.

On my own
Pretending (s)he's beside me
All alone I walk with (her) til morning
In the darkness I feel (her) arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And (s)he has found me.

I've just felt particularily stressed even though little has changed. Have you ever been in one of those moods when you've wished you were the recipient of the song "Lean On Me?" I've tried to write poems about my depression, but nothing seems to do it justice. I don't feel like ever doing anything. I spend all day in front of the computer. I resent going to school everyday and feel like I could cry myself to sleep everynight if I knew how to cry. I know things will be better, but I don't want to wait. I'm unhappy. Very, very, very, unhappy. I know my friends think I'm cool, but part of me still feels unloved. Maybe it's because of the revelation that my dad pretty much ignored me as long as I could remember, so now that my mom's gone he's trying to 'be a good parent' and doing a crappy job. Maybe it's how I'm not sure of what my peers expect of me, and all I want is to make my friends happy. Maybe it's because of the fact that since he had such a small role in my life and my mom played such a large one, and since she's gone there's a gaping hole of companionship in my life. Who knows? Maybe I'm just wallowing in self-pity. But once one starts wallowing, it is hard to escape. I hide behind my philosophical and erudite pass-times. I spend so much time pondering right and wrong, you'd think I was a judge, with myself standing on trial for nigh-infinite charges. I'm so much more critical of things than anyone else. If something seems wrong to me I bring it up, no matter how stupid it is. I hate how misunderstood I feel. My dad thinks he can make generalizations about me, I never share my emotional well being with anyone, I hate my life. Every time someone gets annoyed at me I become so self-concious and apologetic. If I'm arguing something stupid and someone points out that I should just stop, I realize that they're right but I feel so bad. I seem to automatically argue with anyone who brings up any argument because I don't think they see both sides evenly. I become absorbed in self-detestation, thinking "stupid! don't you ever know when to stop?" it hurts the most that they're right. "I Am A Rock" is the perfect song for me.

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship
friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don't talk of love,
Well,
I've heard the word before.
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room,
s afe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries.


Please, help me.